Post # 626: All kids are awesome.Bitch.

My baby wins. Your baby sucks. Yayyyyyy.

This is what every mother thinks about her every Tom, Dick and Harry. All and sundry.

Every child is gifted is cliched. But still quite true and quite quotable. i like to brag about mine. This does not mean that I am ridiculing yours. Let’s analyze a few responses when I tell them how smart my kid is.

The kid said ‘Boo’ when he was 3 weeks old when he wanted to be fed. He says it whenever his feeding object slips out from his mouth. The kid’s a friggin genius. Phew. Enough of the rant i guess. Let’s get to the facts.

So where were we? Yeah:

The Friend : Are you sure? Kids make random noises.

The Relative: Same shit here woman. Same ol’ same ol’.

The Other Relative : But his head is a funny shape.

The In-law : Let’s not even go there.


Post # 627 : When to say ‘no’ – baby sleeping schedule.

As I sit curled up on the couch, watching my baby sleep at 1 p.m. in the afternoon, oh the joys of stay-at-home-mums, i recall how i set up his sleeping routine. Man it was hell. Man he was a tough nut.

Back in the day when my hoo-haa was still raw and ugly. Split-and-stitched. I had had enough. Either the young man’s sleeping schedule was to get in line with mine. Or something like that.

So everyday, in the afternoon, i would drag my dead hoo-haa, draw the curtains, and feed the young guy in minimal light. i know feeding means connecting and shit but try doing that for 2 hours straight and … you know. At first he would suck for hours. At the end of which i would be so numb that i would feel rack-less. If you know what i mean.

This went on for days. I became more persistent. He became less stubborn.

He now sleeps from 1 p.m. to 5 p.m. daily. God bless.

Baby Post # 628 : Crying absolutely does not help lungs to expand.

If anything crying helps you have a cranky, crabby, crazy baby. And no it certainly does not help lungs to expand. If that’s of any consolation. Hell no.

Like i say babies are human beings. I still stick by it. Would you leave your best friend alone if she’s crying her heart out over a dead lost boyfriend ? Worse when she is not comfy? Still worse if she is hungry?

Babies cry , generally and particularly for five reason. Mostly. Usually.

They are hungry

They are not comfy – too hot , too cold

They want to burp

They need to whistle like a railway engine – pass gas!

They are sleepy

So save yourself , her lungs, every one’s sanity and your baby’s well being by making a check list of the above.

And no crying absolutely does not help lungs to expand – neither yours, nor your babies.

Post # 629 : Managing a sick baby.

At last the inevitable has happened – my flu virus has been transferred to my little  cub. So as a rule I am violating all my rules – this includes the sleeping rule, the rocking rule, the lap rule and on and forth. I will do posts on these rules later. No regrets. Oh fuck

A sick baby is a baby from hell – she would lash out at you with fire-y and fier-y nostrils at the merest of mistakes. So what i do is violate all my rules for my little cub. I let him sleep whenever he wants to, rock him till kingdom come, hold him in my lap … i am a government whose autocracy is quite vulnerable to ‘baby sickness’. Been there done that. Yes.

This means getting him acquainted to his sleep schedule all over again later… and you can get the rest. But this makes him a happy baby. After all how many times would a baby get sick? That is if you are a good mum. i tell ya.

But there is certainly one thing that i would be doing religiously – getting the heck outa the house and grabbing an anti-bacterial handwash. It’s as important as offering your daily prayers – better it’s going to the church every two hours, everyday.

P.S. I used baby vicks vaporub on his feet and a very thin layer on his neck. You gotta comb out the congestion. Baby loves vicks. 

Check out this link

Post # 630: Listen closely – your baby is talking to you.

Since I am starting from a point when my baby is 3 months old. i have to cover base. So let me update you a bit on the topic.

If you have a baby who is normal like most babies, she would want her food roughly every two hours. But if you have a baby like mine, he would eye you like his food at the drop of his hat or something like that. It is what they call feeding from hell ‘demand feeding‘.  Or Oh hell.

This meant my son wanted to feed every 20 minutes. Yes that’s true. It’s also true that i put up with it. So now I have a happy child. And by that i mean that ‘he does not know how to cry’ – every mum’s dream right?

Elder female members would tell me to feed him , when he ‘cries’. wtf. Sadly i followed the advice initially but then realized that something was going terribly wrong. That happened when he was a mere 2 week old. So i fed him whenever he got a little fussy. And that meant dragging my ‘split-and-stictchedhoo-haa to the chair whilst sweating like a pig. Result : he quit crying.

By week 6 he was talking! His word for demanding feed was ‘Boo’. Like an adult whenever he got hungry he looked at me in the eyes and solemnly says ‘Boo’. Though that’s the only word he can say now as well, it is obvious important to note that it communicates his only need of food.

Result? He is as happy as a baby shark baby can be.

Hello You!

Dear You,

Let me reveal a profound truth; hold your horses as this might shake your foundations :

   Babies are Humans

I stumbled upon the discovery, with the birth and consequent baby-incidences of my baby son – now 3 months old. In 630 days he would stumble upon his 2nd anniversary and become a man. i am a bit demanding, if you know what i mean.

So 630 it is, of very original posts that i would be sharing with you, one each day, resting on this basic  idea – babies are humans. Try disagreeing with me!  So instead of laying out a manual with chapters outlining how to handle the object called babies, i would share my everyday, sometimes smelly sometimes scenty, challenges and my way of handling the challenges with you to help you better manage the humans we call ‘our dear babies‘.

Now no more just promises and zero baby poo. Let’s get straight to business!

Sincerely, An N Mum.